August 2011
2 posts
“I’m fuckin’ hydrated!!!”
– drunk kid on the 7 train
June 2011
6 posts
YES!
The Lair is painted Lavender in honor of New York voting in favor of gay marriage tonight, aka marriage for all!!!
Something tells me the parade this Sunday will be AMAZING!
I’m watching the vote LIVE right now and all this applause and cheering broke out, followed by a chant of USA! USA!!!
Damn right!
I love New York!!!
5 tags
What really bothers me about the Anthony Weiner...
…is that now all the humor-deprived folks are coming out and making Wiener jokes. I didn’t think there were so many of you… shouldn’t you be at home watching Dave Chappelle reruns or reading The Onion?
May 2011
7 posts
“In addition to being a giant nursing home, Queens is also amazing for its United...”
– Jonathan Ames, from his essay “I Love You More Than That,” first published in the New York Press (remember when they were good?), 2000.
Under Wraps at The Stationery Show
Goyal Exports
Egg Press
A sparkly butterfly tree!!!
There were also a lot of gift items and novelties there, some of them fabulous (Motherboard Menorah, made from a recycled m-board) some of them regrettable (this bracelet concept/choking hazard called “Shains”), all of them at least slightly coveted by me. Unfortunately, I don’t have any photos of them because just when...
A Conversation I Remember Having at the Age of...
With my friend Ruthie:
“Wow, Trump puts his name on everything!”
“Trump Tower, Trump Taj Mahal, Trump Palace…”
“Dyou think one day, he really will put his name on everything in the world?”
“Yeah, he’ll have Trump Airlines! Trump Train!”
“Trump Barbie!”
“Trump Underpants!”
“Trump Dust!”
...
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great...”
– Mark Twain
August 2010
2 posts
Czechs, Beer in the Park
Last week, I took Farez and Nadja, my next-door neighbor, to Socrates Sculpture Park to see a free movie. I had a feeling it would be pretentious and kind of boring, so every time they asked me what kind of movie it was, I pretended not to remember. It was a Czech movie from 1966 called “Daisies” and it featured two girls who ran around town, eating, drinking, and making a mess of...
January 2010
1 post
December 2009
5 posts
Idea Machine
This is what happens when I take notes while I’m with Ro and Kim. Now I’m a rock star named Slimy Fingerzzz (British accent) and this is my fabulous set list:
Slimy Fingers
2 Brown Bags
The One in the Middle is the Styrofoam
Oh You Lovely Guts!
LOTS OF BOYS
Oh No My Playlist!!!
The Perfect Drips
The perfect drip is Slimy Fingerzzz
Let Slimy Fingerzzz give you a Spanish...
All Hail the CORN LOG
I’m all wee-weed up right now!!
This is the last thing I remember Obama saying. It’s hard to pay attention to what’s happening now after spending the last eight years in a toothgrinding rage. I wasn’t even thinking about who said it first. It’s the night before my birthday, it’s a full moon, the air is clear, I just ate a piece of flan, and my body’s...
November 2009
12 posts
Sometimes It's the Little Things
Everyone was all impressed with me at Intercambio last night because I knew that a chef’s hat is properly known as a “toque.” Unfortunately, I failed to seize this “teachable moment” to explain its more common homophone, “toke.”
I suppose I’d be impressed too, had it been someone other than me who remembered the right word.
'Hole new Hephaestus
Hephaestus is PLEEZED with the new CONSORT. May he remain forever in the Lair. That is all.
Also, I just got picked to take part in a PAID medical study that measures “Eye-Blinking Response” in people with OCD. I will be part of the “healthy” control group, not the freaks. I knew the day would come when I would be paid for blinking. I like to think of it as karmic payment...
Oh, The Inanity!
Yes, this is where I worked yesterday: “Wraps and Rings & Other Things” Come to Temple Isaiah for your early holiday shopping! Update your Fashion Style: Special Demonstration on the Art of Scarf Draping- 2:00 PM (Bring your own scarf or buy one here!)
Needless to say, there were no men, straight or gay, and no women under the age of 65.
There was much kvelling over the scarf...
One Man's Corn Smut is Another's Huitlacoche
Manuel offered to take me to a restaurant where we can eat this:
He told me it tastes like a mixture of corn, mushrooms, and dirt. I am intrigued and looking forward to this. I just hope it doesn’t make me hallucinate too much.
I Love This Song
Pulp, “Common People”
She came from Greece she had a thirst for knowledge,
she studied sculpture at Saint Martin’s College,
that’s where I,
caught her eye.
She told me that her Dad was loaded,
I said “In that case I’ll have a rum and coca-cola.”
She said “Fine.”
and in thirty seconds time she said,
“I want to live like common...
The Can't-Don'ts
A conversation I remember:
Me: So all of us were there in the cafeteria, and we knew there was no more work for us, so we just started talking to each other.
Kim: Right.
Me: I was sitting with Mary and this other girl, and we were just kidding around, being silly. One of our bosses was at our table. It was ridiculous: he was playing Tetris on his cell phone the whole time, trying to ignore...
If Everyone Here Is a Genius, How Can I Tell That...
I should be writing self-help books, or leading seminars. For women. To find themselves. The genius within. Wait, no, that’s not enough. It should be she-genius, SHEnius. I’m so full of Shenius, I spilled a Cosmo on my nametag and the resulting stain is my personal seal of MEproval. Okay, let me stop now. The genius within has to pay attention to myself. And isn’t that what...
October 2009
9 posts
There is much left to learn...
I just tried to describe what a medieval fifedom is in Spanish, but failed hilariously.
Los Amores de Hephaestus
Yeah, so it looks like Aphrodite flew the coop for good, probably to shack up with “her” roommate Ares.
But Heph ain’t complainin, cause I found me this other guy. He’s my friend’s brother, and he likes to read, write, and philosophize. He told me that the book that changed his life was Crime and Punishment.
Me: When did you read it?
Him: Oh, I was about 10.
Me:...
Please, Let Me Ask You About Your Problems
My friend Manuel had an odd request for learning English: “I want to meet more people who like to talk for three, four, five minutes without stopping, so I can listen to them. No one in school does that here.”
Me: “Have you tried radio call-in shows?”
Count your blessings, mann…
In the spirit of electronic procrastination, I give you STRONG BAD, a tiny Mexican wrestler who checks his email. Seriously, that’s all he does. I feel like everyone’s heard of this already, but there’s about 100 of these cartoons so maybe you haven’t seen these three: Techno, Sisters, and Radio.
“The hottest love has the coldest end.”
– Socrates
August 2009
3 posts
Leavin' on a JETBUS...
Oh man, I still have two weeks left before SUPERTRIP but I have already inspired so many of my friends to the joys of the JETBUS, especially the one that goes to DC. I’m surprised how many people don’t know anything about the dollar fares. I blame it on working too much, because the less I work, the more time I have to look for deals like this because I can’t travel any other...
All Aboard the JETBUS!*
Official date of departure for SUPERTRIP 2009: Friday 9/4/2009
Official date of return: ???**
*I am in fact taking the MEGABUS to DC. I booked a dollar fare on the BOLTBUS the day before, but reliable sources have advised me that 4:15 am is NOT a good time to be in Downtown DC. Even New Paltz has a 24-hour deli to loiter in, but not DC. Hmm.
**Probably sometime in the middle of...
Thank you M. Ward!
…for coming to Central Park and ROCKIN’ OUT! For free!
The summer is a little less crappy now.
July 2009
12 posts
Book Talk
So I’m reading The Golden Bough right now. What finally urged me to do it was that the last time I had $20 in my pocket, I was in the Mid-Manhattan library. I went to see what they had in the way of Thomas Pynchon (he’s close to the water fountain), and there were two copies of Against the Day. I didn’t have a problem schlepping the book, but the $20 was meant to pay my electric...
Oh nooo, it's CrazyPeopleTimeCrazyTimeTown
My friends, CrazyTimePeopleTimeTown has arrived, and by “my friends,” I mean “fuckin assholes,” cause it is that time of year.
The time was heralded today in the usual place, Greenwich Village, by this humongous woman riding her bike the wrong way down 13th St. Seriously, she was a hippo on a tiny bike, and she bellowed “Get out of the street!” There was a big...
Wow
From a chapter on thieves’ charms:
“In Europe similar properties were ascribed to the Hand of Glory, which was the dried and pickled hand of a man who had been hanged. If the candle made of the fat of a malefactor who had also died on the gallows was lighted and placed in the Hand of Glory as in a candlestick, it rendered motionless all persons to whom it was presented; they could...